Q:\u00a0How little sex is too little? My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than four years (we’re both in our early 30s and just moved in together) and we just…\u00a0don’t really have sex anymore.\u00a0It’ll be like a couple times a month. We’re both busy and stressed with normal work and life stuff, so I know that’s part of it, but the lack of\u00a0sexual intimacy\u00a0is really bothering me, even though the rest of the intimacy (cuddling on the couch and in bed at night, hanging out together, talking about all sorts of stuff) is still there, as warm and loving as ever.\n

The few times I’ve tried to\u00a0initiate sex\u00a0he’s either apologetically shot me down or gone along with it, but I can tell he’s not into it. He says it’s because he’s distracted by all the work he has to do, but I’m starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me or something I’m doing wrong. I’m just not sure how to fix it. I know it’s a normal thing in long-term relationships; everyone wants “the spark” back. But among my girlfriends in relationships, they’re all having\u00a0sex\u00a0like once a week at least. And I’m so jealous! I want to feel desired again, because I desire him! And I’m hoping to marry and have kids with this man, but that can’t be a good sign that our sex life is already unsatisfying! How do I approach this conversation with him without being a pathetic beggar?\n

\n
\n
$\"My$ \n
\n\n\n
A:\u00a0This is \u2014 I\u2019m assuming from your letter \u2014 the\u00a0only\u00a0sexual relationship\u00a0in your life. And it\u2019s not satisfying! And you think it\u2019s small or pitiful to want it to be good?! I\u2019m going to light a patio chair on fire!!!\n
If you are with someone long enough (and I mean like eight months), you are going to have meh sex with them. You will lose momentum or have surgery or lose a parent or have body image issues. There will be lulls. If there\u2019s a long-term couple out there for whom this is not the case: DO NOT WRITE IN TO TELL ME.\n
I absolutely recommend having patience \u2014 love has a long arc \u2014 but I also caution against letting that turn into acceptance. There\u2019s no hard rule about how much sex is \u201ctoo little.\u201d It\u2019s subjective. What matters is that right now, you\u2019re not satisfied. It isn\u2019t frivolous or wanton to require that your sex life be good.\n
It\u2019s smart of you to note that this is a pattern your relationship is falling into before\u00a0the stress of children or the potential monotony of being with someone for 24 years. Unfortunately, patterns tend to repeat themselves. Couples tend to have the same problems again and again, so I think it\u2019s likely that you two will not only deal with this now, but in the future, too.\n
Which means, it\u2019s worth putting your chest waders on and wading into the bog.\n
Of course, you\u2019re going to have to\u00a0talk to him\u00a0about this. And you\u2019re going to have to really lay your sh*t out. It will feel like you have jumped into an ice-cold river with all your clothes on. It will not be fun. But it\u2019s necessary!\n
\n
\n
$\"My$ \n
\n\n\n
I would say something like this, \u201cTony, I am feeling dissatisfied with our sex life at this point. The fact that we have sex so infrequently makes me feel like you do not desire me and it makes me feel distant from you. You make me feel loved in other ways, but I\u2019m not feeling wanted or sexual, and you\u2019re the only person I share sex with, so it’s important for me to tell you this. Why do you think we\u2019ve had less sex recently and what can we do about it?\u201d\n
Mention not just the problem (less sex) but how it\u2019s making you feel (like something is wrong with you). That gives your partner better insight into the stakes of the situation.\n
As an outsider with only a quick peek into your life, I would also strongly suggest couples therapy. Sex brings up lots of emotions, insecurities, and needs that are often difficult to communicate to our partners. Our culture discourages people from talking about sex for the first 18 years of our lives, so most of us aren\u2019t used to having these kinds of conversations. It can be helpful to have a professional as a guide.\n
Your desirability in no way correlates with your partner\u2019s sex drive. At all. Your sexuality is innate and untouchable; it exists independent of your partner.\n
Also, it occurs to me that your boyfriend might be dealing with depression. It\u2019s very common for depression to majorly reduce a person\u2019s sex drive. While it\u2019s absolutely normal for\u00a0someone\u2019s libido to wane,\u00a0or for two people to disagree on how often they\u2019d like to have sex, if he used to want sex and now has difficulty getting turned on, he might want to consult a therapist or his primary care doctor.\n
There is a chance that you two are just a couple where your libidos don\u2019t match up right now. If \u2014 after you two have had thorough talks about your sexual needs and desires \u2014 that\u2019s where this lands, focus on enjoying the sex you do have. Focus on making it feel full and hot. Explore sex-adjacent things you\u2019re both into, like showering together or sexting. You both will\u00a0have\u00a0to make an effort here.\n
There is, unfortunately, some chance \u2014 albeit small \u2014 that the decrease in sex is related to a different issue he\u2019s having with your relationship. If that\u2019s the case, firstly, he should have been able to bring that up and talk about it. Withholding intimacy is not effective communication. But I think it\u2019s worth being aware of the possibility that this could be connected to how he\u2019s feeling about your life together. That\u00a0doesn\u2019t\u00a0make this your fault. It does, however, make it important that you listen to him, and that you are both making a real effort to address this. If you feel like he doesn\u2019t care to make things better for you both, that is a bad sign.\n
One thing that is extremely hard to actually internalize but that I want you to hear is this: Your desirability in no way correlates with your partner\u2019s\u00a0sex drive.\u00a0At all. Your sexuality is innate and untouchable; it exists independent of your partner.\n
I\u2019m not suggesting you step outside your relationship or anything (unless you\u2019re both on board with\u00a0ethical non-monogamy), but could wear hot\u00a0lingerie, take\u00a0nudes, buy a new\u00a0solo sex toy, take a\u00a0pole-dancing class\u00a0with your friends, read or listen to\u00a0erotica, make a collage from\u00a0vintage\u00a0Playgirl\u00a0magazines, watch\u00a0porn\u00a0\u2014 anything that reminds you that your sex life is not dictated by your boyfriend and his appetites.\n
I also very much recommend the books\u00a0Laid and Confused\u00a0by Maria Yagoda and\u00a0Mating in Captivity\u00a0by Esther Perel.\n
You aren\u2019t alone. This is common and addressable. But it\u2019s also thorny and painful. It will probably stir up insecurities for you both. On the other side, however, is knowing and loving each other better. And possibly more sex!\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Q:\u00a0How little sex is too little? My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than four years (we’re both in our early 30s and just moved in … \n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":8639,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8638","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8638","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8638"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8638\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8640,"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8638\/revisions\/8640"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8639"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8638"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8638"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scenicwhispers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8638"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}